Falling Behind

Let’s savour what each moment holds and fall behind.

This is not the letter I thought I would send to you today.

That letter will wait for another day. Today, I would like to write to you about falling behind.

I find I need to share this to bring myself a little peace. Perhaps, if you also feel as if you are falling ever further behind, you will find something in it to bring you a little peace too. I hope so.

I have written before about choosing to create what I love, and love what I create, and let that be enough.

And that is what I have done. I look back on the things I have shared, I re-read my words and look at things that I have created for joy alone, and I continue to be delighted by them. I continue to be excited about all of the ideas spinning and sparkling in my mind, the half written drafts and half drawn pictures of this creative adventure that I am on.

But somehow recently, I have found myself slipping into a place of worry. Where the numbers start to matter more and more. I have found myself feeling the pressure to be here and write more, read more, be more… or else risk fall behind.

But things seem to have slowed recently. Fewer people joining the While I Was Drawing community, fewer readers, fewer hearts, fewer comments.. And I wonder, why am I falling behind?

Instead of celebrating with other creatives who turn on paid subscriptions and get a best seller badge overnight, I feel sad that I am not there yet and wonder if I ever will be.

Instead of being delighted that creatives whose work I fell in love with on other platforms have now joined this community and I can enjoy their work here now, I find myself green with envy that they have gained as many subscribers in a month as it took me over a year to gain.

I feel shame at those thoughts, frustrated at my disquiet.

And yet, perhaps, inside that thought, there is another perspective to be considered.

Yesterday, I walked along the river, just Suzie and me. I delighted in the quiet and solitude. I walked slowly, drinking in the simple wonder, the smells of the meadowsweet, the sound of the water and the breeze in the trees. The warmth of the sun on my skin and the rainbows in my vision as the light caught my eyelashes.

Other walkers came up behind us, and as I heard them get closer, I slowed further so they could pass. I wanted to fall behind. I longed for the return of solitude and quiet.

I missed a live online event this week. I had hoped to catch some of it, to listen in, to learn from the amazing line up of creatives who share brilliant content. But I was working and so I could not join. And for the short time following the event while the replays were available, I was walking with the dogs, doing housework, shovelling and barrowing hardcore to the back garden for the summerhouse, playing with (and cleaning up after) the puppies and spending time with a new extended family.

But now, the content is behind a paywall and I find myself relieved that I can’t now catch back up. Released from the overwhelm of more. more to read, more to consider, more to action, more to do….

And I think, perhaps, that falling behind may not be all that bad, after all.

A little while ago, in

Letters From Love with Elizabeth Gilbert

, Liz asked unconditional love, “what would you have me know today about the fear of falling behind?”

The words that I wrote that day, when I asked that question, are words that return to me today.

Perhaps you need them too.

Better to be behind, enjoying more, feeling more, absorbing more, than rushing ahead. And to what? From what? To the end? You never want to get to the end. Because at the end, there’s nothing more. Because it’s the END.

And being ahead isn’t what you truly want anyway. There’s no relaxing in the push to keep up and get ahead, no peace in the hustle and the rush. I know it. So do you. Let others rush ahead of us. What is to be gained by getting ahead? Let’s not. Let’s savour what each moment holds and fall behind. Fall further behind, because there are those coming behind that are a wonder, and if we rush ahead, we will never meet them.

You’ve done the rushing, dear one, wanting to win, wanting to be the best, to get ahead. But your heart knows more beauty, more wonder, more delight from being behind, than it ever experienced by being ahead.

Let’s stay behind, you and me, where it’s quiet and calm. Where no one is watching and judging.

Bye for now,