What a tender space. Thank you for describing your version of this. So many of us can relate.
And thank you for not being a part of the false urgency and pressure. Your creations are gorgeous because they are yours and no one else can make them the way you do.
You are very kind Shannon, thank you for taking the time to read and comments. I don’t know if we can ever fully escape the conundrum, but creativity helps 💛🙏
Thank you for reading and for your kind comments, Kat. It does feel like and endless conundrum, maybe it always will be, but we can sometimes find a way to settle the worms 💛
Dearest Em, if I was a wealthy woman I would buy so many of your artistic creations I would probably need an extension just to house them!
I am in two minds about this dilemma you wrote so beautifully of...
When I posted my very first letter here on Substack it was with the absolute conviction that nobody would ever read anything I wrote. As such, making any money didn't even figure in the equation, I wrote not only for my own well being—as in keeping my brain young when it so obviously isn't—and for the joy of others who might not be as fortunate as I am in their surroundings.
Within the first few days somebody—I still have no idea who—took up a paid subscription. It made me panic to such an extent that I tried to turn off the paid option so there would never be another... sadly I couldn't do this—perhaps that has changed now I don't know? I believe there is a 'pause payment' button but that is all—but from the moment I received that first paid subscriber it was as if I no longer had a choice in when I could be creative or how, it became like a second job, which I did not need!
But, and here is the quandary, more paid subscribers arrived, not many, not enough to bring on a full blown panic attack but enough, I soon realised, to help top up the pitiful amount my day job pays me. So, I write less because I feel I owe those who consider me worthy of paying, an essay that is as interesting and beautifully written and illustrated as I can make it, which takes time as you know, and time is something I also have little of.
Which is all a very long winded way of saying; I will never feel comfortable being paid for something I love doing despite that the payments help considerably, does that make sense?
It makes the most nonsensical sense, of course! Because it is such a conundrum isn’t it? When I think about it, it knots my insides, and yet, I still wish for what the money contributed towards - more adventures. Xx
Money really does matter. It brings time, freedom and security.
But contorting my brain into knots, trying to bend my writing into something that may be commercial and pleasing to others, rather than it being something of my own heart, has never worked for me. I wasn’t happy with what I wrote - and it didn’t sell either!
What you have written about sharing your art because you feel that others may love it too, is beautiful. Just as your art is joyously beautiful.
In my experience, wanting anything too much has just seemed to push it away. Whereas, when I have just let go (not something I find so easy to do!), good things have come, sometimes from places that were totally unexpected.
So - I would say - if you can, just concentrate on your beautiful art. I have a feeling that beautiful things will follow!
You are so kind Kay - thank you for your words and encouragement. You’re right, wanting something too much seems to push things away for me too, it’s such a conundrum - it’s never about the money but the money does matter, it does help in so many ways. And yet when we create with that in mind, it never works. Every now and then my brain ends up in a funk like this, but after I’ve written it down, it feels like a bit of an exorcism until the next time! Much love x
Softening softening as I read this. My body echos your pace, my spirit guided by your same longing. The being untangles. The performance binds. You’re not alone in your way Emily…you shining your firefly light nudges us all to feel more acutely, more tenderly, our own.
Dear Kimberly, thank you for your beautiful soul and words. Your own essay, In Defence of Longing is one that I felt so very deeply, and comes back to me often when I’m wrestling with the demons of creativity for it’s own sake and the desire for it to be more. I think the worms will always be there, to knot and coil, and the conundrum may never resolve itself, but we go on. We write, we draw, we create regardless. Much love dear friend xx
Oh Emily, bless you for saying these precious words. 🧡 You deserve to sell every piece you make, they are so beautiful.
I read this as I pack away my iPad at 23.30 here tonight, having finished 3 more greetings cards for my family, I had literally said some similar threads of your words as I drew, cut, paste and folded. Since I dropped the 'need' to think that I had to make money from my art just before Christmas things have started to flow. And..... we have been just fine since.
I have always had humongous money fears, for different reasons I won't explain. But in my 30, 40 and early 50's there was the fear of the lack of it, or taking responsibility for others, which totally stifled me taking any risks whatsoever to leave my corporate and teaching jobs and follow my own dream. When I do follow it at 58, with savings, perceived pensions, and a new home in Spain to do so, the money rug gets pulled big time. Bigger than anything that could have ever happened when I was younger and ironically still able to go back to work in those high worth jobs albeit I had come to loathe.
So my only advice as an older, 'mum' type person, because you look like around the age of my lovely daughter back in the UK, 🤗, it is about the money sadly. BUT it is also so much about having a life of joy in every aspect that you can because honestly, you have no clue what is around the next corner however well you plan it and wait it out. And however much, you stifle every bit of risk. Sending you the biggest hug from Spain!!
And I feel so happy to see that, after everything you have been through, you are now in your flow as an artist. Your happiness now, is so well deserved.
Awwwh and your lovely daughter is right! My daughter was 47 in January. She still lives in Southampton. And… I still use a lovely UK accountancy firm in Eastleigh that I used for our business back then!!
Never feel guilty about dreaming Emily. You are so special because you went back to your job. And, in what you offer the world. The best things in life will come to those who wait. You’ll get your dream. 💭🌙💫
Thank you so much Sally, I appreciate your words and hugs very much. I don’t know if the conundrum ever eases or goes away - I guess different conundrums manifest for others with different circumstances. Your story is heart wrenching but also heart-warming Sally, and I am so glad to know you if only a little and to read your words and encouragement. I will be 48 in a couple of months, although my daughter tells me that I look 35, which is lovely 😍. I resigned from my corporate career in 2021 and lasted 18 months before I had to go back, and the memories of sleepless nights and paralysing fear are not easy to forget. Neither is the guilt I feel for my dreams - I have a good job with a good employer that I mostly enjoy, I get paid well and live close to the office, can work from home a couple of days a week and have a lovely team that I work with, but still I dream of my creativity earning enough to pay the bills and for us to thrive, not just survive. You are right though, we never know what’s around the corner, as much as we think we do. Much love xx
Dear Emily, you speak the inner turmoil of every creative. That balance of simply doing what we love for the joy of it, for ourselves, AND also knowing that we need to make money and that it's ok to ask for payment. It's so hard isn't it. Because these two things light up and activate different parts of our brain - the creative flowing part and the fearful small part. Its the bringing them together that we need to keep coming back to time and time again.
As you say so beautifully:
I wrote this, I drew this, I made this — and I love it. I am sharing it because I think you might love it too. Maybe enough to want it in your home, in your life, in your hands.
Keep offering, keep asking Emily. You are worth it. Your art is worth it. 💛🙏
Dear Jo, oh it is so hard - to balance and to put into words. Thank you for being here, I know you understand and I’m so grateful for you and your friendship and your own creative light that you shine from the other side of the world. ✨💛🙏
Gosh what a personal piece shared with us, Emily. We readers, do not stop to think of the emotions that you have to go through to delight us with your writing. Stay brave dear friend.
Thank you dear Julia - this one has been swirling round my head for so long - it’s such a tough subject to talk about. The longing to create and the conundrum of wanting to earn from if without crushing the spark… I think it will always be the case 💛✨
Reading your post, I recognize your struggle. I had a thought today that creating Art is not a hobby. It takes a lot of time and cost money to develop the talents to become skilled to create art that seems easy to make. It's the hand of a master that makes it seem effortless. And the love shared with the Art is priceless ... Being valued with money, so one can pay the bills, is an act of love too.
What a beautiful way to put it Alja - thank you - “being valued with money, so one can pay the bills, is an act of love too”. So so true. You’re right about the word hobby, it is looked down as being frivolous but it so isn’t. The love shared through art is priceless. Thank you so much for being here, I’m so grateful to be part of a beautiful community that truly understands 💛✨
What a tender space. Thank you for describing your version of this. So many of us can relate.
And thank you for not being a part of the false urgency and pressure. Your creations are gorgeous because they are yours and no one else can make them the way you do.
You are very kind Shannon, thank you for taking the time to read and comments. I don’t know if we can ever fully escape the conundrum, but creativity helps 💛🙏
This is so relatable. Thank you for sharing. The struggle is real and complicated and you capture that beautifully.
And the reframe to an invitation is lovely.
Thank you for reading and for your kind comments, Kat. It does feel like and endless conundrum, maybe it always will be, but we can sometimes find a way to settle the worms 💛
Dearest Em, if I was a wealthy woman I would buy so many of your artistic creations I would probably need an extension just to house them!
I am in two minds about this dilemma you wrote so beautifully of...
When I posted my very first letter here on Substack it was with the absolute conviction that nobody would ever read anything I wrote. As such, making any money didn't even figure in the equation, I wrote not only for my own well being—as in keeping my brain young when it so obviously isn't—and for the joy of others who might not be as fortunate as I am in their surroundings.
Within the first few days somebody—I still have no idea who—took up a paid subscription. It made me panic to such an extent that I tried to turn off the paid option so there would never be another... sadly I couldn't do this—perhaps that has changed now I don't know? I believe there is a 'pause payment' button but that is all—but from the moment I received that first paid subscriber it was as if I no longer had a choice in when I could be creative or how, it became like a second job, which I did not need!
But, and here is the quandary, more paid subscribers arrived, not many, not enough to bring on a full blown panic attack but enough, I soon realised, to help top up the pitiful amount my day job pays me. So, I write less because I feel I owe those who consider me worthy of paying, an essay that is as interesting and beautifully written and illustrated as I can make it, which takes time as you know, and time is something I also have little of.
Which is all a very long winded way of saying; I will never feel comfortable being paid for something I love doing despite that the payments help considerably, does that make sense?
Sending hugs as always 💛xox
It makes the most nonsensical sense, of course! Because it is such a conundrum isn’t it? When I think about it, it knots my insides, and yet, I still wish for what the money contributed towards - more adventures. Xx
Thank you, Emily, for sharing this lovely post.
I have had similar conversations with myself.
Money really does matter. It brings time, freedom and security.
But contorting my brain into knots, trying to bend my writing into something that may be commercial and pleasing to others, rather than it being something of my own heart, has never worked for me. I wasn’t happy with what I wrote - and it didn’t sell either!
What you have written about sharing your art because you feel that others may love it too, is beautiful. Just as your art is joyously beautiful.
In my experience, wanting anything too much has just seemed to push it away. Whereas, when I have just let go (not something I find so easy to do!), good things have come, sometimes from places that were totally unexpected.
So - I would say - if you can, just concentrate on your beautiful art. I have a feeling that beautiful things will follow!
You are so kind Kay - thank you for your words and encouragement. You’re right, wanting something too much seems to push things away for me too, it’s such a conundrum - it’s never about the money but the money does matter, it does help in so many ways. And yet when we create with that in mind, it never works. Every now and then my brain ends up in a funk like this, but after I’ve written it down, it feels like a bit of an exorcism until the next time! Much love x
I wish you joyful and free flowing creative times ahead, Emily.
Your journey guided by the shining light of your talent.
Much love x
🙏💛
Beautiful Emily! Your words, your art and your calm voice. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you Jeannine, for taking the time to be here and read and listen. I am so grateful. 💛🙏
Softening softening as I read this. My body echos your pace, my spirit guided by your same longing. The being untangles. The performance binds. You’re not alone in your way Emily…you shining your firefly light nudges us all to feel more acutely, more tenderly, our own.
And that drawing…oh!!!!
Dear Kimberly, thank you for your beautiful soul and words. Your own essay, In Defence of Longing is one that I felt so very deeply, and comes back to me often when I’m wrestling with the demons of creativity for it’s own sake and the desire for it to be more. I think the worms will always be there, to knot and coil, and the conundrum may never resolve itself, but we go on. We write, we draw, we create regardless. Much love dear friend xx
Oh Emily, bless you for saying these precious words. 🧡 You deserve to sell every piece you make, they are so beautiful.
I read this as I pack away my iPad at 23.30 here tonight, having finished 3 more greetings cards for my family, I had literally said some similar threads of your words as I drew, cut, paste and folded. Since I dropped the 'need' to think that I had to make money from my art just before Christmas things have started to flow. And..... we have been just fine since.
I have always had humongous money fears, for different reasons I won't explain. But in my 30, 40 and early 50's there was the fear of the lack of it, or taking responsibility for others, which totally stifled me taking any risks whatsoever to leave my corporate and teaching jobs and follow my own dream. When I do follow it at 58, with savings, perceived pensions, and a new home in Spain to do so, the money rug gets pulled big time. Bigger than anything that could have ever happened when I was younger and ironically still able to go back to work in those high worth jobs albeit I had come to loathe.
So my only advice as an older, 'mum' type person, because you look like around the age of my lovely daughter back in the UK, 🤗, it is about the money sadly. BUT it is also so much about having a life of joy in every aspect that you can because honestly, you have no clue what is around the next corner however well you plan it and wait it out. And however much, you stifle every bit of risk. Sending you the biggest hug from Spain!!
Wise words, Sally.
And I feel so happy to see that, after everything you have been through, you are now in your flow as an artist. Your happiness now, is so well deserved.
Thank you Kay 🤗 x
Awwwh and your lovely daughter is right! My daughter was 47 in January. She still lives in Southampton. And… I still use a lovely UK accountancy firm in Eastleigh that I used for our business back then!!
Never feel guilty about dreaming Emily. You are so special because you went back to your job. And, in what you offer the world. The best things in life will come to those who wait. You’ll get your dream. 💭🌙💫
🙏💛✨
Thank you so much Sally, I appreciate your words and hugs very much. I don’t know if the conundrum ever eases or goes away - I guess different conundrums manifest for others with different circumstances. Your story is heart wrenching but also heart-warming Sally, and I am so glad to know you if only a little and to read your words and encouragement. I will be 48 in a couple of months, although my daughter tells me that I look 35, which is lovely 😍. I resigned from my corporate career in 2021 and lasted 18 months before I had to go back, and the memories of sleepless nights and paralysing fear are not easy to forget. Neither is the guilt I feel for my dreams - I have a good job with a good employer that I mostly enjoy, I get paid well and live close to the office, can work from home a couple of days a week and have a lovely team that I work with, but still I dream of my creativity earning enough to pay the bills and for us to thrive, not just survive. You are right though, we never know what’s around the corner, as much as we think we do. Much love xx
Dear Emily, you speak the inner turmoil of every creative. That balance of simply doing what we love for the joy of it, for ourselves, AND also knowing that we need to make money and that it's ok to ask for payment. It's so hard isn't it. Because these two things light up and activate different parts of our brain - the creative flowing part and the fearful small part. Its the bringing them together that we need to keep coming back to time and time again.
As you say so beautifully:
I wrote this, I drew this, I made this — and I love it. I am sharing it because I think you might love it too. Maybe enough to want it in your home, in your life, in your hands.
Keep offering, keep asking Emily. You are worth it. Your art is worth it. 💛🙏
Dear Jo, oh it is so hard - to balance and to put into words. Thank you for being here, I know you understand and I’m so grateful for you and your friendship and your own creative light that you shine from the other side of the world. ✨💛🙏
Gosh what a personal piece shared with us, Emily. We readers, do not stop to think of the emotions that you have to go through to delight us with your writing. Stay brave dear friend.
Thank you dear Julia - this one has been swirling round my head for so long - it’s such a tough subject to talk about. The longing to create and the conundrum of wanting to earn from if without crushing the spark… I think it will always be the case 💛✨
Reading your post, I recognize your struggle. I had a thought today that creating Art is not a hobby. It takes a lot of time and cost money to develop the talents to become skilled to create art that seems easy to make. It's the hand of a master that makes it seem effortless. And the love shared with the Art is priceless ... Being valued with money, so one can pay the bills, is an act of love too.
What a beautiful way to put it Alja - thank you - “being valued with money, so one can pay the bills, is an act of love too”. So so true. You’re right about the word hobby, it is looked down as being frivolous but it so isn’t. The love shared through art is priceless. Thank you so much for being here, I’m so grateful to be part of a beautiful community that truly understands 💛✨
I can't draw for toffee but your philosophy on creativity draws me in. Thank you for this beautiful writing.
Thank you Claire, for reading, for being here, for your kind comments. It means a great deal 💛🙏