Moments and Memories
There are moments and memories, stories and songs between the blades of grass and on the underside of the leaves, inside the flowers and dancing in the wind.
There is a tulip variety called Queen of the Night. Its beautiful deep purple, oval shaped blooms look almost black in certain lights. Inside the luxurious velvety petals, I found a forgotten memory, a picture and a story.
March 2023
I’m practicing.
I am illustrating a picture book, but after discovering that the method and style of drawing that has developed in my work over the past few years is completely and utterly wrong for the book, I’ve been experimenting.
I have drawn a Lily-of-the-valley fairy and a Forget-me-not fairy for an Instagram drawing challenge and the next prompt is a tulip fairy.
I find some reference photos of a gorgeous, vibrant pink tulip. I sketch the flowers and pencil in my fairy, sitting on a leaf. I build up the colours; pink flowers, green leaves, blue sky.
My palette is well balanced, beautiful and bright. But I just can’t make the colours work.
So, back to my search. I scroll through pages of pictures of tulips of every colour imaginable. And there it is. Queen of the Night. Rich, warm wine coloured blooms.
And now, back to the drawing. Bright pink becomes deep purple, vibrant green warms toward olive and sky blue darkens to indigo. The moon and the stars materialise and cast a soft glow over the canvas. Somehow the pencil stokes have captured that beautiful velvet texture of the petals, the deep calm of a starlit sky and my little fairy comes to life.
Although tulips, like most flowers, don’t bloom at night, in a world created in my imagination and brought to life through the tip of my pencil, anything is possible. And, of course, she is Queen of the Night, after all…
I don’t know why I couldn’t make my original colour choices work, but something in the deep purple of the flowers, the rich indigo of the night sky and the shining silver of the moon, dislodges a memory.
Afraid of the dark
I lie in bed afraid to close my eyes. Afraid of the suffocating dark, the strange and terrifying sensations that I know await behind my eyelids. It’s not always there, but tonight I feel it. Waiting to swallow me. Even blinking is dangerous.
I creep downstairs, in tears and terror. My young mind cannot find words to explain or describe the sensation or the fear, only the dread that surfaces within me.
I don’t remember how old I was, how often or for how long the panic lasted.
I asked Mum if she remembered, but she doesn’t.
A family friend gave my parents homeopathic remedies to help me. but they didn’t.
I guess it wasn’t really a fear of the dark, only a fear that materialised on the edge of sleep. Closing my eyes I entered a dark world of disturbing sensations and images. Every day objects became terrifyingly large in my imagination or incredibly tiny beyond reason.
Through that dislodged memory, I recall the fear, but I no longer feel it. Over the years it must have faded away. A tiny fly in my field of vision conjures an echo of that childlike terror, but it touches my mind only lightly. I can shake free from it with relative ease.
A love of the dark
More recently, I have grown to love the dark. The sharp cold and the crystal shine of the stars in the winter. The arresting beauty of a glowing moon. The calmness of the silence and stillness in the enveloping dark. the comfort of a black velvet sky on a summer’s night.
When my own children were afraid to close their eyes and turn off the light to sleep, I shared with them the quiet and comfort, wonder and adventure that can only be found after the sun has set.
And within the petals of a flower and on the edges of a fairies wings, a story takes shape.
The story of a frightened child. And an adventure.
Queen of the Night
Nox was the ‘Queen of the Night' fairy, but when she was small, she was afraid of the dark.
The night was a scary place. The shadows hid monsters and when she closed her eyes, the darkness pressed in close like a suffocating shroud.
Early one evening, curled cozy and safe in her mother’s arms, she said, “mummy, how can I be guardian to Queen of the Night when the dark is so scary?”
“It’s okay to be scared, my little Nox,” her mother replied, “We’re all afraid sometimes. Fear can keep us safe, and protect those we love from harm. It makes us careful around things that might be dangerous. But do you actually know what it is, that you are afraid of?
“How can you know what the dark holds, what mysteries and wonder might be hidden in the shadows, if you fear to look?
“Did you speak to the badger, the fox or the owl? The hedgehog, the bat or the moth? For they love the night and the mysteries she holds, and could tell you their stories, if you’ve the courage to ask.
“Come with me, and I will take you on an adventure that the other fairies have never seen.”
So Nox ventured out, afraid but determined, holding tight to her mother’s hand.
As they flew, the shadows lengthened and the dusk surrounded them, there appeared a tiny shape, darting back and forth through the air.
Her mother squeezed her hand, “ask your questions, my little Nox, and see what answers you find.”
So Nox called out to the bat as she flitted and zipped through the darkening sky, “Tell me of the monsters that hide in the shadows, is that why you fly so fast and so fickle?”
“There are no monster here”, said the bat, “I delight in the dusk, so silent and still, where my calls paints the pictures of all that’s around me, the beauty I see has no need of the light.”
They flew on through the twilight, further into the night, and they heard a soft rustling down under the trees. They settled to the ground to find badger and her cubs frolicking in the leaves.
Nox looked at her mother, then taking a breath, asked, “tell me of the dangers that are shrouded in the dark, is it those fears that keep you so close to your mum?”
The cubs laughed and giggled as they gamboled around, “we love the dark and all we unearth, the smells are so rich and the discoveries exciting. We’re not scared of the night, we stay close to share together whatever we find”.
As the night crickets chirruped and they wandered still further, Nox dropped her mother’s hand and peered into the dusk, where the fox stepped quietly out from her den.
Feeling now curious of what she would hear, Nox moved closer and spoke to the fox, “will you tell me please, fox, are you not afraid of the night?”
“Why no,” said the fox, “there is nothing to fear in the soft velvet darkness. I feel her around me as close as a hug, keeping me company as I explore her secrets.”
With the dusk slipping away and the night slowly growing, from overhead came a gentle rush of feathers, as the owl glided past.
Now eager to learn, Nox flitted into the sky, calling out as she flew, “please will you tell me, as you drift through the air, do you like to be out in the dark of the night?”
The owl spread her wings wide and turned with the wind, “in the dark I find calm, I can float with the breeze, the night is so peaceful as I soar through the trees.”
A faint murmur of voices drifted to Nox from below, so she fluttered back down to her mother, where hedgehog and her hoglets were quietly snuffling.
Excitement and wonder filled Nox as she asked, “what do you love of the night and her darkness?”
“Why, there is so much to love,” said the hedgehog in reply. “She keeps me safe with my babies where only I see, and the worms are most tasty when they come out at night.”
Nox looked around at the night, eyes wide with wonder. “Come”, said her mother, “you must meet the moth, for her story is the best of them all.
“She visits the flowers when the bees are asleep, we may find her back home if we hurry there now”.
They flew to the garden where Queen of the Night bloomed, and found the moth drinking sweet nectar within the tulip’s purple petals.
“Please will you tell me”, asked Nox, “what is the most wonderful thing to be found in the dark of the night?”
“Look up in the sky”, the moth whispered back. “Do you see how the stars twinkle and how the moon glows? Have you ever seen something so lovely and pure? They glimmer and glitter and sparkle so bright, but can only be seen in the dark of the night.”
“So you see, my dear Nox", said her mum, with a smile, “sometimes the things we fear will not hurt us, but the fear can keep us from discovering wonders that we were born to see.”
Each night, Nox keeps me company as my phone’s Do Not Disturb wallpaper.
She reminds me that it’s ok to be afraid. That you can come to love something that you once feared. She helps me to feel peaceful.
If you would like, she can keep you company too.
Thank you for joining me on this adventure.
Bye for now,
P.S. Along with Georgie and Esmerelda, Solace, Merryn and Eirlys; Nox can be found on greetings cards, vegan suede cushion covers and canvas prints in my online shop.
P.P.S. I have added the tulip decorative dividers from this post to my Mini Illustration Gallery.
Ohhh, what a beautiful story! It really touched me, especially as only recently I understood I have always been a bit afraid of the dark, though I love to look at the stars and dark wintery skies. Next time when I wake up and feel a bit of fear I try to remember Nox.
This is so beautiful! I think the night-blooming tulip had the extra magic you were looking for. It all came together perfectly!